Englannin kirjoitelmakurssi

Mallikirjoitelmat: Aineet

Huom! Aineissa on kielivirheitä, jotka näkyvät oranssilla tekstillä.

1. My family

In my family, there is four members: me, Pekka I am 17 years old, than my sister, Julia she is 16 years old, than there is my mother, Sisko she is 45 years old, and of course my father, Pate he is 44 years old. We have also two cats, Harry and Herman. Me and my family, we live at Helsinki, are house is pretty close of centrum. I do like play tennis and run, -my sister to. My father liking football, and my mother like go to the pool. On the summer we go sailing, and are cats go to my grannys house, we like that, and my granny are like cats.

Lue korjattu versio.

Strengths Weaknesses
  • Kirjoittaja pystyy kertomaan konkreettiset asiat yksinkertaisesti.
  • Sanavarasto riittää yleensä perusasioiden ilmaisemiseen.
  • Kirjoittaja hallitsee joitakin peruskielioppirakenteita.
  • Teksti on ”tajunnan virtaa” – tekstissä ei ole minkäänlaista rakennetta.
  • Tekstissä on runsaasti kielivirheitä, myös perusrakenteissa.
  • Kielivirheiden vuoksi tekstiä ei ole helppo lukea.
  • Lauserakenteet ovat erittäin yksinkertaisia.
  • Aiheen käsittely jää hyvin yksinkertaiseksi kielitaidon puutteiden vuoksi.

TASO: A.2.1


2. Today’s pressures
It is often said that people today are under a lot of pressure. What do you think is the cause of this pressure? How can we deal with it?

I am twenty years old. The five days of the week I go to the school and the other two days of the week I work with my big brother. I don’t have really much the free time because the school and the work took the biggest pieces of my life just this moment, but I hope that someday I will get more freetime and then I could do something nice.
At this moment I believe that today’s young people worry about their future. We all know, that we need to be succeed, if we want other person’s respect and love.
For example, if I tell someone of being on the dole. He may think that I am a loser of community. But it is same situation for business men too. If they cannot rise up their business they are failed.
Today’s pressure is fine. If somebody say different way it’s perhaps true too. In Finnland we lives bout five miljons people and all we have our own thinking. I feel that everything is good and we people are happiness.

Lue korjattu versio.

Strengths Weaknesses
  • Tekstiä ei ole vaikea lukea, vaikka joidenkin ilmaisujen tarkoitus ei heti selviä.
  • Aineella on rakenteellisesti selkeä loppu.
  • Joissakin kohteissa on tuotu omia näkökulmia.
  • Perusrakenteet ovat lähes hallinnassa.
  • Tekstissä on melko paljon virheitä, joskus perusrakenteissakin.
  • Kirjoittajan oma näkökulma jää melko epäselväksi, varsinkin lopussa.
  • Sanavaraston puutteiden vuoksi aiheen käsittely jää suhteellisen suppeaksi.

TASO: A.2.2


3. Speech
You are the chairman of the jury at a dancing competition and it is your job to announce the winners of the competition. Write the speech that you will give as you announce the winners.

Ladies and gentlemen. It is my pleasure to welcome you all here. The jury’s mission was find which of these great dancers is the best. The task was a difficult and long-lasting, but we found what we were looking for. But first I’d like to say that every dancer in these competitions were good, quality was word of the day. Thanks to all.
Now as a jury’s chairman, I declare the winners. Women’s serie was a very challenging, but the jury found that young dancer who is only 16-year old, is the winner. The reason why we chose particularly this person is because her skills in the artistic world overranked us. Ladies and gentlemen! Genevieve Tong on behalf of the jury, me and the audience would like to thank you for sharing your beatiful vision with us. We hope theres more to come and look forward of it.
The main trophy is a gold medal and a new car with all spices.
Men’s serie was easier and one competitor was far better than the others. His name is Igor Federov, propably the greatest dancer of all the time. He isn’t here today, because he is heading to the St. Petersburg, but he will be receiving the same prizes than our women’s serie winner. Thank you and good night.

Lue korjattu versio.

Strengths Weaknesses
  • Tekstissä on selkeä puheen rakenne.
  • Kielen “overall feeling” sopii hyvin tilanteeseen.
  • Välillä tekstissä on oikein hyviä lauseita, sujuvia ja aidontuntuisia (esim. We hope there’s more to come).
  • Sanonnat ovat joskus yllättävän hyviä (declare, on behalf of, jury jne.).
  • Puheen loppulause on heikko.
  • Teksti sisältää kuitenkin runsaasti kielivirheitä.
  • Jotkut lauseet kuulostavat hyvin oudoilta (esim Quality was word of the day).
  • Sanontojen tasolla on otettu liikaa ”riskejä”, jotka eivät ole aina onnistunneet (*overranked, *serie jne.).

TASO: B.1.1


4. Today’s pressures
It is often said that people today are under a lot of pressure. What do you think is the cause of this pressure? How can we deal with it?

Know thine enemy. Know thine enemy also to be thy master. For it is a entity that tries to immobilize us, but in trying so makes us keep a distance to it, keeps us on the move. Fear is its name and all have faced it.
“Welcome under my influence, prepare to be judged.” As we come forth into the world these are the words spoken to us by society. With these words also begins our trial of value. Our worth will be appraised based on our success in all we do. To be deemed worthy one must succeed – in such is the game’s spirit.
This is also when we are introduced to our enemy, fear. Throughout our world today success in all the aspects of life is essential. Standards have risen and especially today’s youth are expected to go where no man has gone before. Excluded from the modern dictionary have been the words good and better so that the word best only remains as a sign of the times. Fear meets us here – what if against everyone’s hopes you don’t raise above mediocracy? The pressure is set.
To find refuge from these pressures one must understand that one lives only for one’s own heart and dreams not one’s fears. For know thine enemy is thy self.

Lue korjattu versio.

Strengths Weaknesses
  • Kirjoittajalla on laaja sanavarasto.
  • Kieli on sujuvaa, monimutkaista, tehtävään sopivaa ja usein aidon tuntuista.
  • Tekstissä on vahva alku ja loppu.
  • Kirjoittajalla on hyviä omia näkökulmia, jotka on laajan sanavaraston avulla voimakkaasti ilmaistu.
  • Kieltä lienee yritetty saada turhan monimutkaiseksi, minkä vuoksi aiheen käsittelyn selkeys on kärsinyt.
  • Tekstissä on joitakin pieniä kielivirheitä.
  • Joidenkin lauseiden epäaitous tuntuu kömpelöltä.

TASO: B.2.2


5. Could I change this gift?
You have received a gift from a friend, which, for some reason, you would like to return to the shop. Write a letter to the shop where the present was bought explaining the situation.

Dear Sir/Madam,
I just received a fine-looking, high-quality Persian floor carpet, bought from Harrods, as a gift from my friend Arthur Fox from London. He thought the carpet would fit the new apartment my girlfriend and I moved into last month.
Unfortunately, he didn’t take into account the fact that my girlfriend and I both suffer from a serious dust allergy (not his fault as it’s never come up in conversation). The allergy renders the carpet practically useless to us as it is very hard to keep free from dust and it is a major source of the microscopic particles that cause us problems with breathing. I’m sure you can understand our dilemma. We simply wouldn’t want to seem ungrateful to Arthur.
We have already browsed your online textile catalogue for possible replacement products that match the price of the carpet. We found the silk-like curtain set in the living room section quite interesting. The curtains are made of artificial fibre, which is a definite plus in terms of dust. We also found the pale green colour scheme very attractive.
If such a substitution is possible, I would greatly appreciate it if the exchange could take place in early November as we are planning on being out of the country for several weeks from mid-November on. Upon our return we’ll be entertaining Christmas guests, so everything should be ready early.
Please inform me of extra formalities, if any are required for returning a product from abroad.

Yours sincerely,
TT

Lue korjattu versio.

Strengths Weaknesses
  • Kirjoittajalla on erittäin hyvä sanavarasto, sanavalinta on rikas ja sopiva.
  • Kieli on sujuvaa, monimutkaista, tehtävään täysin sopivaa ja melkein aina aidon tuntuista, esim. I´m sure you can understand our dilemma.
  • Kirje on sopivasti muotoiltu. Varsinkin alku on onnistunut.
  • Kirje selittää monimutkaista tilannetta erittäin selkeästi ja on kokonaisuutena loistava alku neuvottelutilanteeseen. On helppo uskoa, että kirjoittaja saa uudet verhot!
  • Tekstissä tuskin on kielivirheitä, mutta jotkut fraasit eivät tunnu ihan aidoilta, esim. floor carpet, substitution.
  • Loppu kaipaa muodollisia kohteliaisuuksia, esim. I look forward to receiving your reply, and hope that a solution to our dilemma can be found.

TASO: C.2.1

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